“And that’s when I first learnt about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of Supreme Being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior.” – Terry Pratchett
I have been doing some deep thinking in the last little while and I came up with the concept that life for the typical brown woman is shit. No, the wording is not too strong – the only acceptable replacements are crap, faeces and dung.
How did I come to this mind-blowing conclusion? Well, I was just reflecting on some of the observations that I’ve made in recently and came up with it.
A headline today on NDTV read:“In India, using sex crimes to rein in women” talks about recent incidents in Guwahati, Mumbai, Delhi, Kolkata. There is much ado right now about making laws stricter – harsher punishments for those that molest women (right now, that is a bailable offence averaging around Rs. 1000). There are comments flying on ‘loose’ behaviour of women that push men in society beyond that edge. And the end result? Harsher standards on how women should live their lives – not wearing jeans, not having cell phones, not having social lives outside home and school. In a country where women’s health, education and rights are questionable on an international stage (India recently ranked worst country for women, for several reasons including: women and girls continue to be sold as chattels, exploited and abused as domestic slave labour, married off as young as 10 years old, and frequent dowry-related disputes resulting in women being burnt alive), our society thinks that the solution is putting more and more barricades on women.
We’re literally walking backwards.
Our society has its own notions and ideas about the rights of women. For many that means not being born. My friend works at a fertility clinic in Canada. She recently told me that she was astounded at the number of brown families aborting a child as soon as they found out that it was female. These are people who have tried for years to conceive and spent tens of thousands of dollars in the process. Sons are a boon, daughters a curse.
I pride myself on having grown up in a liberal household. My generation of cousins, most of whom are girls, are qualifying as doctors, dentists and engineers (I am the stupid business student). We face no pressure to choose certain careers, we were allowed to date individuals from different races, and we are allowed to drink. Our brothers were not preferred to us in any way. But still, being Indian, our society didn’t allow us to know ourselves as equal to men.
I was no older than seven when, while at my great-uncle’s yard adjoining his building, his neighbour fondled me. Thoughts of his touch still bring a strong feeling of nausea over me. I remember discussing it with my older cousin – I was confused and feeling dirty. She told me that he had done the same to her – she was nine. My younger cousin (five) chimed in with the same story. I remember telling my great-uncle. Nothing happened.
As I grew up, every year I would go to India. Even living outside the country, it was apparent to me that eve-teasing was something we had to live with growing up. It was part of being a girl, part of being a woman. A few years back, my cousin came back home livid – two men on a motorbike had grabbed at her as they raced past on a motorbike. In my aunt’s home, where one daughter was becoming a dentist and herself being an engineer aspirant, questions were raised about the short-sleeved T-shirt and three-quarter capris that she was wearing. No matter that it was 40 centigrade outside. She was choked with shock and tears – disappointment and rage welled up in her eyes.
We have come to see molestation as almost acceptable – “rape toh nahin kiya na?” Perhaps those that are killed in the womb are the lucky ones.
A few weeks ago a 17-year-old girl was assaulted by a mob of nearly 40 men in a crowded Guhawati street. A minister from Madhya Pradesh commented in reference to the incident “Women should dress in a way that they invoke respect in others. However, unfortunately women are dressing provocatively, which is leading to deviation in society”. He went on to say that such incidents are the result of blindly aping the West. He was echoing the thoughts of Mamta Sharma, the chairperson of the National Commission of Women, as well as the sentiments of many other ministers and leaders across the country.
Statistics say that 4.4% of all reported cases involved provocative behaviour on part of the victim (sometimes, that meant just a glance). Most rapists do not remember what their victims were wearing.
As Indians, we know better: the way to stop women’s rape is by having them dress ‘less provocatively’. If that doesn’t stop it, let’s barricade them in the home. If that’s not a deterrent, we’ll stop their schooling. We’ll marry them off as young as possible … assuming we allow them to be born in the first place.
There’s little to worry about. We’re well on our way.
In 2009 World Economic Forum study on gender parity gave India a dismal ranking: 114th out of 134 nations. Only 77% of women are literate and just 23% are employed. UNICEF’s 2009 State of the World’s Children report found that not only do 40% of the world’s child marriages occur in India, but of its total contraception, 75% is done through sterilization with India’s women bearing the brunt of the procedure in 95% of cases. Every 30 minutes a woman is raped (keeping in mind that these are only reported cases – statistics say that 1 in 69 cases are reported. Few women muster the courage to lodge a FIR, fearing public shame, family dishonor, a gender-insensitive police force, rigors of medical exams to prove that the rape did happen and repeated cross-examination in court). Since 1971 when rape cases were first recorded officially, the NCRB (National Crime Records Bureau) has registered a 678% increase in the crime.
But that is not the world I live in. As with everything in India, there are two parts to the country. I pride myself on being from a liberal family.
Yet all the women in the generation past have given up their careers to allow their husbands to pursue theirs. More qualified than their husbands, with doctorates and masters degrees, they continue to work mediocre dead-end jobs or be the homemaker. They tell me that they had graduated with dreams of changing the world – of being the top contributors in their fields. They had graduated with marching step by step with men. Now their husbands are executives of multinational companies and they are their backbone. They all tell me confidently that it was a choice – but the choice never was whether it was his career vs. hers. The choice was between her career and a broken marriage.
That was 30 years back. Today the world is different, women are seen as equals.
Canada 2012. A friend of mine suffers from low self-esteem. Her life is defined by whether she can get a good husband. Her brother has always received preferential treatment over her. In her mid-twenties, her family still dictates her curfew and doesn’t allow her to date. Yet there are expectations that she be married in a few years’ time. In desperation, she resorts to scheming behind their back to meet her new boyfriend. Her insecurity prevails her relationship: she doesn’t understand how this new guy can like her – she who, in a relationship previously, got cheating and criticism in response to her affection. How can someone love, even be attracted to her? She,who is good for nothing. Her friend is bubblier than her, another is prettier, yet a third who is more intelligent. All those friends have told her that this guy isn’t good for her: he was a man – and all she can think is: anything, God, anyone who likes me. But he leaves as hurriedly as he came – and she soon comes to the realization that anyone would leave. How can someone love someone who doesn’t love herself? She looks in the mirror to see a talentless, forlorn and fat person. At one point she enjoyed planning her future – she had plans to go back to school, but since then doubts have crept in that she isn’t worth investing in.
This isn’t the story of one person. Recently ‘Cocktail’ appeared on the big screen of Bollywood. There were two female characters for the questionably ‘attractive’ male protagonist to choose from. His present girlfriend, an independent sizzling woman who enjoys life – she drinks, makes merry and shows off her sexy legs. She also, without hesitation, supports a woman who has been shunned by her husband and stands by her through thick and thin. Her friend, in contrast, is a meek, salwar draping figure, whose pastimes are to clean, cook and pray. The former’s boyfriend falls head over heels for this meek friend – after all she’s the epitome of an Indian woman. They go behind their friend’s back to kiss and drool. And when it comes to the choice of his life, he chooses the meek and the vulnerable. His was an easy decision – the choice between beauty and the beast.
This is what we’ve chose to make of our women. Silent, sacrificing and insecure. Not only are they degraded and overlooked everyday but they are expected to remain mute in response.
I shout out to all the Indian women to wake up. I plead to you. Wake up and take control of your lives. Invest in yourselves. Make your own decisions. Understand your capabilities. Realise your ambitions. Live for yourselves before you live for others. Pick and choose the rules that guide you, rather than following those of our society blindly.
Become the spearhead for change in women’s rights. Show the world the way you want womanhood to be defined.
Don’t leave it up to men to uphold your rights for you. It’s not their responsibility – it’s not their fight.
By Riddhi Sen
2013 Blog Writer for Change Tomorrow’s World & The Wonders of Womanhood
It’s me. And no, it’s not the first time we are meeting. We have met before, except you didn’t quite notice I was here. I’ve always been right here, but you only saw me through your questionable, skewed perspective.
I am the daughter who you have pushed through school and tormented. I was told that I was too stupid, too lazy. And when I finally became a doctor or engineer or lawyer, you were not happy till I was married and had grandchildren. And here I am looking after my children, when you cry and said I have wasted all my talents – if only I had also given my career a shot.
I am the person you grab on the streets, on the buses. I am scared to go out without being surrounded by a horde of friends. And even then, protection is not guaranteed. I see your glances, hear you discussing my dimensions. No, it’s not attractive. It’s not funny when I take the long route home to avoid you. It’s not funny that I dig my fingernails into my hands. It’s not funny that I pray silently that I am not raped.
I am the friend who did your school notes, sat with you through all-nighters, proof-read your essays when you were dead tired. I am the person you’ve called when you were down. I am the girl you spoke to about your crushes and the times when she broke your heart and walked off. And then, as soon as I got to caring, you thought I became too needy, too desperate. That you never saw me that way. You tell me that I am only a friend, not womanly enough to be a girlfriend, a wife. And then you shun me, ignored me till you needed your ego boosted again.
I have been bullied about my weight since before I hit puberty. I have developed eating disorders, lost sleep over how I look in my navy blue and white school uniform. If I am fat or have short hair, I am a questionable tomboy. If I am slim and have long plaited hair, I am a sleaze. If I don’t wear makeup, you don’t take a second look at me. If I do, you leer at me, wondering whether you have a shot. Of course you do, because, let’s be honest, who can resist you?
If I am too intelligent, you don’t notice much beauty in my face. If I am too beautiful, you don’t think I am very brainy. If I disagree with you, (never mind that you are wrong, which you incidentally never are), I am not thoughtful, not analytical enough. If I don’t understand your brand of humour, it’s somehow my fault. The joke was not degrading, hurtful and downright disgusting – it’s simply that I am not open or smart enough to understand it.
If I am career-oriented, it’s just a farce. I can, of course, never be as good as you. If I am as successful, it’s because I was lucky, slept around, or am cold and ruthless. But not as capable as you, no. As your soulmate, my title and salary should always strategically be below yours – useful, but not threatening.
I am the person that has to be perfect at homekeeping. Cooking, cleaning and raising a family. If the floor is not clean, it’s my failure. If dinner is not on the table right after you come down from your warm shower – wait, is there ever a good reason that dinner is not on the table? It’s only reasonable that you come home and sit in front of the television sipping scotch – after all, you had as long a working day as I did. And since I’m the mother, if the kids go bad, it’s my fault. A poor mark on a test. A lie. A fight. All the values are imbibed from the mother. Somehow your responsibility ends with cuddling the child.
If we can afford that big screen TV, the car and the golfing, perhaps you don’t have taunt and tease me every time about that new dress or pair of shoes that I got for myself.
Oh and by the way, it’s okay if you’re short, fat and not very attractive. At fifty, after two kids, you tell me to lose weight. All the while balancing that glass of scotch on your stomach. I am not allowed to think about, let alone look, at other men – that makes me loose. But you can compare me to the film star half my age and with plastic surgery and tell me to take better care of myself.
It’s not amusing to say I am PMS-ing, no, truly it’s not. It’s not fine to say that I am insecure, when all I get from you is complaining and criticism. It’s not acceptable that your problems are our problems, and that mine are just a figment of my imagination or stress. I have down times, I get burnt out, I age too. I accept your inadequacies, your frailties – why do I have to continuously prove myself?
And when I threaten to leave or walk out, you say I am overreacting. That you love me, that I’m breaking your heart. Don’t I care? If you truly want to know, I did care. A lot. But I gave while you only took. Quite frankly, I am tired. All my life, I strive to be perfect, to make everybody happy and it drains me. I am never thanked, but rather as the days go by, I am taken more and more for granted. I am exhausted.
And one day I realise that you only ever loved yourself. It’s the one thing I have learnt from you and that I take from here. Maybe it’s time to love and live for myself for a bit. Maybe being selfish isn’t such a bad thing after all.
By Riddhi Sen
2013 Blog Writer for Change Tomorrow’s World & The Wonders of Womanhood
Edited by Wonders of Womanhood Team
Happy International Women’s Day!
Today is a day to celebrate the wonderful contribution that women make to our society.
Thank you to all the women who have changed my life: you have taught me that being strong and courageous are beautiful qualities to possess; that the greatest gift a mother can give her kids is her own time, knowledge, confidence; and that being a woman is hard work and underappreciated, but very rewarding.
And thank you to the men, who treat woman as equals, with respect and dignity; who recognize that beauty isn’t defined by dress size but rather by a vivacious personality; who recognize that being a feminist is a good thing when it promotes the equality of men and women; and who find an intense, courageous, strong woman attractive, rather than emasculating or threatening.
Happy International Women’s Day! Cheers to all the women who strive to be the best version of themselves that they can be, and to the men who support them!
The Wonders of Womahood
I recently attended a mooting (mock trial) competition where the top four student oral advocates from almost every school across the country gathered to compete in front of judges across the country. At this competition, I met some of the best and brightest law students, that served as a population sample of Canada’s law talented law students.
At the reception, I had the chance to look around the room and mingle with these delightful students.While there were plenty more women at the moot competition reception than what I usually see at law firm receptions, there were very few minorities – and even less female minorities. Frankly, I was sticking out like a sore thumb at the reception, and I’ve come to realize that was not a one-time occurrence. I always get this feeling – of not belonging, of being the odd “man” out – when I attend law firm receptions.
Law is still a boys club. The stereotypical idea the old, Caucasian man who serves as the head of the law firm is a stereotype that actually exists. And while there has been some progressive change in the legal field for women, I’m struggling to see minorities and female minorities, rising to the ranks in law. Most of the lawyers I see in large law firms are men. I’ve been told by student recruiters at Bay street law firms that being a woman in law isn’t easy. One recruiter told me, rather frankly, that every child a female lawyer has puts her off the track to making partner at the firm by three years. Can you imagine? You return from having a kid after 6 months of maternity leave to be pushed back three years! I want to believe it’s because law is so fast-paced and ever-changing, but lets face it – I’m still quoting English law from the Privy Council from the early 1900s. It’s really quite astounding that 6 months maternity makes you, in the eyes of the law firm, less qualified to be a partner by three years.
Much of the discrimination is inherent in the legal justice system. It stems from “old school” judges or senior partners that aren’t used to having women in court, to the challenge with being accepted into law school as a minority student. At the last mooting competition I was involved in, a male judge told a female mooter on my team that she came across too severe, and told the female competition that he liked that she smiled and “was charming”. While the advice was well-intentioned, no male mooter received any comments about being too severe. Male mooters are never told that they were too aggressive, that they don’t smile enough, or that they aren’t charming enough. It’s okay for men to be that way, but not for females.
“Do you know what a woman is most afraid of in the world? It’s that she is not gonna find that one person who accepts her for everything that she is, and that, when she finally starts to let him in, he’s just going to leave.” – Kate to Ben, in Ben and Kate Season 1, Episode 1.
All women want a person that will accept them for everything they are. We want that guy who likes all of us – who sees that there are flaws but doesn’t say anything because he sees the “big picture beauty” as I like to call it. We all want that guy who is intoxicated by your beauty and smarts and smile. The guy whose eyes still light up when you come to bed, even though you didn’t have a chance to shave your legs, and your stomach has gotten a little flabby over the years. We want the guy that says “I love you” every morning, and even though you reply “I love you too”, still stops you, puts his hands on your shoulders, looks you in the eyes, and says “No, I really love you”. We want that guy. We deserve that guy – the guy who respects our hearts and minds and character first, and recognizes that our bodies are one part of our beauty.
Even though I’ve dated an amazing man for so many years, I still get nervous around him. I still feel a little insecure – when he puts his arms around my waist, I instinctively suck in my stomach. When he keeps glancing at my lips, just before making a move to kiss me, I wonder if he is noticing that I missed threading a couple of hairs off my upper lip.
Like all women – like all humans – I’m not perfect – not physically, not personally. I get unnecessarily worried over small things, and sometimes I get really mean when I am trying to hammer home a point. When I am around people and feeling nervous, I make really inappropriate jokes.
I couldn’t pinpoint the exact ingredients to a “healthy, normal relationship” but I can say from dating someone for many years, that one of the many reasons my relationship works is because he gives me confidence. He never makes me feel bad for not living up to the ever-so-high standards of beauty that society puts on me, and in exchange, I always make an effort to look my best, and impress him. When I am feeling insecure, he soothes me rather than exploiting those feelings for his personal gain. He makes me proud of who I am, and never says things that makes me feel I’m not good enough, or smart enough, or skinny enough or hot enough, or talented enough, or charming enough.
He makes me feel like I am enough. He makes me feel like who I am, in my entirety, is just right for him, and I don’t need to change at all for him to consider me “good enough”.
We’ve been together for almost 8 years, and have weathered a lot of storms, but I always get butterflies before we meet. I always want him to see me at my best, and I appreciate when he loves me the same way at my worst. I don’t know what makes a perfect relationship, but as long as I am enough for him, that’s good enough for me.
Is it just me, or is it tough to find a good guy, now-a-days? I mean, maybe its just me, but whenever I start thinking about my future, I get this nagging feeling. Any thoughts of marriage end up involving a very handsome groom with a blurred face. When will that face crystallize?! I’m finding as I get older, and transitioning out of school, that it is becoming harder and harder to find a guy I can date longer than a year, let alone find “the one”. I feel like I might end up dragging, or worse, being dragged, to the altar.
So this post ends up being about finding “the one” – less about deciphering who is the one, and actually determining where the hell you can even find him – or his friend, brother, cousin, relative, etc.
One really important thing to remember is that, although it’s really hard, you have to put yourself out there. You have to be confident – you have to remember you are incredible, and interesting, and unique, and you need to have a thick skin and not be afraid of a little rejection.
Once you got your confidence on high blast, lit with neon signs and decked out in glitter, time to go fishing!
Take Advantage of School: School presents a wonderful opportunity to meet people. Between classes, clubs and extra-curricular activities, the potential to meet people are endless! Plus, school allows you to connect with specific groups or types of people – you can join a club that contains people you would be interested in, whether its meeting an adventurous person in the sky-diving club, or someone of your own ethnic background. Put yourself out there!
Ask a Friend to Set You Up: Your friends know you best, and they may have someone special in mind for you, based on the intimate relationships they share with their other friends. What could be the harm of getting their advice or trying a couple blind dates?
Be Careful About Dating in the Workplace: It’s easy to meet people at work, but harder to get rid of them from your life if the relationship goes south. Be as close to 100% sure before you pursue a workplace relationship.
Go to the right places to find the right type of man: What type of guy do you want? Maybe someone who likes to drink and have a good time? Take your girlfriends and go out to the local bar. Looking for someone more low-key and philosophical? Try checking out the art gallery or the spoken word contest or book reading at a local cafe. In other words, go to the right place to find the right guy for you. It always surprises me when my girlfriends go to a bar, come home with someone they later realize is not compatible with them, and then stare at me baffled. Choose the right location to find the right person. Common interests in location lead to common interests in relationships.
Know What You Want and Don’t Settle for Less: You may meet a lot of duds before the right one comes along. A lot of women don’t realize that the inability to know what they want is the direct reason they can’t select the right guy for them. For some people, it’s a process of elimination – each new (and failed) relationship teaches them what they are or aren’t looking for in the final selection. But for others, it’s about indecision – about not knowing within what you want, or knowing that you are good enough to deserve what you want, and thus, finding the right person seems like an insurmountable challenge. You have to know yourself – and be confident enough in yourself to recognize that you are good enough for the best person for you. You should never settle for less than what makes you really happy – you should love yourself enough to recognize that it is better to be alone, then be with someone else and unhappy.
Other thoughts on how/where to find the right guy? Share them with us!
~ The Wonders of Womanhood
My Declaration of Self Esteem
By Virginia Satir
I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay. — from Self Esteem