Dear Guy,

Here I am again – stuck in the same position that guys like you leave me in every time. I start off really liking you and after a lot of muster of guts, I asked you out – or maybe you pursued me first – but either way, I get hooked. You make me think you could really like me – and I’m not one to push it! – but I started to notice, and like, the little things you do. Maybe its the way you say my name, or how you smile when you are feeling shy, or when you take the time to ask me about me, and share details about you.

Then I start to like kissing you – the way your hand moves slowly down my back, and the way your lips feel – and I like holding your hand and going places and seeing the world. It feels different when you are there, and I can’t put my finger on it except that I get butterflies in my stomach. Suddenly you feel familiar to me, like you belong in my life. You fit perfectly like a piece in a jig-saw puzzle, and now I am not scared of the unknown anymore because exploring the unknown is how I met you. I don’t know what to call how I feel, but I know it feels good.

I do feel like introducing you to my friends, and maybe meeting yours when your ready. But I’m not pushing it – I respect that you need your space, and that this is still new to you even after several months. I’m not sure when you would be ready, but I am too afraid to ask. You might think I am desperate or needy when really its just that I am excited because I know I have a good thing. It might take you longer to get there, to realize you might really like me back, but for me its easy – I know it implicitly, and I don’t know how to say it except to find ways to see if you feel the same way.

After a while I start getting a nervous – we don’t seem to be progressing but I keep getting mixed messages. You like making out but you keep wanting to push it a little farther than I feel ready for (which makes me feel bad); or, you want to meet to make out but not for anything else; or the relationship is going so slowly I’m not even sure I am in one at all. And its not that I need you to commit to me, its not that I need you to say “I’m your boyfriend and you are my girlfriend” – but I can’t seem to figure out if you will ever want to say that at all.

And then I start doubting myself – maybe there is something about me thats holding you back, or that you move faster in the physical area than I do and that will be a deal breaker, or that you realize I’m convenient for you and you don’t want to put in effort. I start talking to my friends; under the guise of helpfulness they unintentionally confuse me more; they make me trace back what I did or said, as though it was one magic phrase that tipped off this imbalance that I am feeling. They pick my vice, my habit, my something that must have made you not like me enough to put in the effort.

So now I start getting nervous. When we are together, I start checking my own behaviour, trying to see if you react to something I do. And of course, my nervousness makes you nervous and you start getting uncomfortable because you feel under surveillance and that makes you jumpy, when really I’m just trying to figure out what it is about me thats holding you back because I am finally unafraid, but I don’t understand how you – confident, sexy you – could still be afraid.

Then you stop calling, and that just confuses me further. I don’t understand what I did but I have too much pride to ask – I realize you might think I sound “needy” just wanting you, but thats not it at all: unlike you, I remember the beginning when it was easy-breezy. I remember the part where I said something silly and you laughed and said it was cute, or when we discovered we both love hockey and lost our voices screaming in excitement at the Calgary Flames game. I remember the time you brought me soup when I was sick, or the first time we went to that coffee place near your apartment. I remember those times, and I don’t understand why you don’t which puts me in a spiral of self-misunderstanding.

Suddenly, one day, I realize that I am not at fault. Maybe my friends reminded me how amazing I am, maybe I woke up one day and got tired of waiting. I’m not at fault: I wanted the beginning of the relationship back, but I wanted more than that. And maybe I wanted more too fast, but you never told me and I didn’t know. And suddenly I start to realize that it isn’t me; maybe I made mistakes but you never told me – maybe because you were shy, but maybe just maybe, it was because you didn’t  really care enough in the first place.

Of course, I can’t tell you any of this. I can’t get my questions answered. Instead I just at my computer online waiting for you to message me, or I sit at my phone and wait for you to call. It only gets worse when you see I’m online but you don’t message, or you see me at school and you look the other way.

I get stuck between wondering what I ever saw in you and a growing gnawing feeling which acknowledges that actually, I just don’t know how to pick ’em – or worse, it really is me that throws you off. But after a while, I finally realize that while I can’t say any of this to you, I only wish I could say:

I’m sorry you missed the chance to love me.

Underneath what you would call my insecurities and unsexy need for something more than a fleeting fling, I am a beautiful, wonderful, smart, confident woman. I have may have insecurities, but I know I am talented and confident in other ways. Maybe I am good at public speaking or I’m a dynamite cook; perhaps I am really ambitious or I love sports. Maybe I am great at painting, or I play in a band, perhaps I can write really well or I do well academically. Maybe I will fit in perfectly with your guy friends, and your sister will really like me. Maybe I am all, some or none of these things. Maybe I am something else. But these are things you’ll never know because you missed the chance to love me.

I’m sorry that you missed the chance to love me.

Its not just that you missed out on having someone there when you need are having a bad day, someone to make you laugh when you are worried, or someone to stick by you. Its that you missed having me. Me – 1 in 6.5 billion – and you missed it because … well, you didn’t realize a good thing when it was smiling right in front of you. I guess you never realized what you had.

I’m sorry you missed the chance to love me.

In missing that chance, you missed something wonderful and beautiful in your life. You missed the chance to experience something light and flirty, or serious and meaningful. You missed the chance to be with me – to have loyalty, love and sunshine in your life.

I’m sorry you missed the chance to love me.

But, I am glad I loved you – it helped me realize I deserve someone good too. Someone who will hug me when I need it, someone who will be a shoulder to lean on, someone who will push me to better myself, someone who will always defend me. You helped me realize that I deserve someone who thinks I’m beautiful inside and out, who loves the way I laugh and talk and sing, someone who thinks everything second with me is the only place they would really want to be.

You helped me realize that someone out there, I’ll meet a person who won’t get scared when I move to fast, who will gently slow me down when he needs to but won’t bail when the going gets rough. You helped me see that I deserve the best possible person for me – that I shouldn’t waste my it my time on people who don’t rejoice in who I am, flaws and all.

You helped me realize that:

 

I’m just sorry you missed the chance to love me.

– The Wonders of Womanhood

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